Both men and women can be toxic in relationships. While the toxic behaviors of men (toxic masculinity) are well-known and frequently discussed, it’s rare to hear people talk about the toxic behaviors of women (toxic femininity). There are a few reasons for this.
First, many toxic female behaviors tend to be covert. Second, society and media brainwash people into believing that women are innocent, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. There are tons of movies with male villains or men who are abusive in relationships but only a handful with female villains or women who are abusive in relationships.
Third, many toxic female behaviors are normalized, denied, or minimized.1Motz, A. (2019). Female violence and toxic couples. In Forensic Psychotherapy (pp. 28-42). Routledge. They’re joked about and laughed off. Because people believe that women are sweet and innocent, they have a hard time taking female abuse seriously. Toxic women can easily hide abuse in the garb of sweetness and cuteness. Men can’t. They’re expected to be abusive.
Ask men who are victims of female abuse, and they’ll tell you, if they’re honest and open, that female abuse is nothing to laugh about. Men are trained not to talk about it because it makes them appear weak or unmanly. They’re advised to ‘man up’ and ‘handle’ their women. They become silent sufferers.
The traits
Since both men and women display toxic behaviors, I’ve done my best to include only those traits that are predominantly shown by women and the ones that manifest differently in women than they do in men.
1. Emotionality
It’s no secret that women tend to be more emotional or emotionally expressive than men. Women are wired to be more emotion-driven than men.2Kring, A. M., & Gordon, A. H. (1998). Sex differences in emotion: expression, experience, and physiology. Journal of personality and social psychology, 74(3), 686. Men are more logic-driven. They’re more willing to put their emotions aside when making decisions. Women live and operate primarily in the world of emotions and feelings. For her, feelings come first.
This can be a great trait. From an evolutionary perspective, women had to be more emotionally attuned to their offspring because they invested more in them. They had to understand the nonverbal expressions of a child’s needs. They had to raise offspring with other women, so there was selective pressure on them to get along with them. Emotionality fosters deep and lasting bonds.
This trait becomes a problem in other contexts, such as romantic relationships. Seeing the world through the lens of emotions leaves your logic-driven male partner dumbfounded. Being emotion-driven makes women do stupid things.
They plan for a vacation for months and change their mind at the last minute because they no longer ‘feel’ like going. They see an item they don’t need to buy and put it in their shopping app’s cart simply because it looks aesthetically pleasing. Someone compliments them, and they start an affair, forgetting they have a husband and children. They go where their emotions take them.
Emotion-driven is not the same as emotional intelligence, which is the ability to understand your own and other people's emotions.
Part of the reason women are so emotionally volatile is that their hormones fluctuate more throughout the month. It’s also true that many toxic women use this as an excuse for bad behavior.
“It’s my hormones, babe.”
When a man sees an attractive woman, it triggers the release of testosterone in him.3Ronay, R., & Hippel, W. V. (2010). The presence of an attractive woman elevates testosterone and physical risk taking in young men. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1(1), 57-64. He’s motivated to approach the woman and have his way with her. Imagine a man harassing a woman and then blaming testosterone for it. That’s just as stupid as women blaming their hormones for bad behavior.
2. Dramatic
Emotionality is also the driving force behind women’s dramatic, neurotic, and argumentative nature. They’ll go into a fit of rage over the slightest inconvenience. Evolutionarily speaking, women had to be hyper-alert to threats in the environment because any threat to them meant a danger to the offspring she was raising. This could be why women blow a tiny threat out of proportion, making mountains out of molehills.
Many toxic women believe their life is a soap opera and act accordingly. The main issue with drama is that it needs to lead to healthy conflict resolution. Often, it makes things worse. Being dramatic helps women get attention. It also helps them instill fear in others so she can make people listen to her and have her way.
Drama also brings misery with it. Most men don’t want to be miserable. They want to be in problem-solving mode or in chill mode. Believe it or not, many women get some kind of kick out of being miserable and making everyone around them miserable. They actually enjoy it.
I miss the bad things
The way you hate me
I miss the screaming
The way that you blame me
Miss the phone calls
When it's your fault
I miss the late nights
Don't miss you at all
I like the kick in the face
And the things you do to me
I love the way that it hurts
I don't miss you, I miss the misery.
Song: I miss the misery
Band: Halestorm
Written by: A woman
3. Entitlement
Entitlement of any sort is childish behavior and unacceptable in grown adults. Yet, so many women act shamelessly entitled. Yes, I’m talking about those wanting princess/queen treatment. They believe they deserve special treatment simply because they’re pretty. If a woman is like this and treats the man like a king, that’s fine. That’s an equal, not a toxic relationship. But often, that is not the case. A woman who wants to be treated like a queen often sees you as her subject, her puppy.
Why do women inflate their value so much? It’s mainly because they are the gatekeepers of sex, which is something that men highly value. So, lustful men who are willing to be puppies are also responsible for this dynamic. Entitlement and selfishness make relationships unequal, which inevitably leads to resentment. It’s hard to be a puppy for long unless you’re desperate, which, unfortunately, many men are.
Men who desire an equal relationship where the woman is also expected to bring value to the table are often shamed and emasculated on social media. Social media is filled with such brainwashing tactics.
4. Ungratefulness
Another problem with an entitled person is that you can never satisfy them. The more you do for them, the deeper you’ll dig their pit of greed. It’s like a black hole. Everything goes in; nothing comes out. It’s a bad investment strategy. Since evolution and society have programmed men to be providers, they provide and provide, hoping for reciprocity. But toxic women have no concept of reciprocity. They only know how to receive, not how to give.
When they do go out of their way to do something for their partner, they drag their feet. They make it transactional and demand something bigger in return. They see it as a huge cost to themselves. They want to make sure you see what they’ve done for you. They give you a bicycle and ask for a Ferrari in return.
5. Manipulation
Since women can’t physically dominate a man, they get their way with him psychologically and emotionally. Since they live in and operate from the world of emotions, they have men emotionally wrapped around their fingers. Men, living in and operating in the world of logic, are often clueless about emotions. This makes them prone to emotional manipulation.
Women emotionally manipulate men in a multitude of ways. Common tactics include fear, guilt, and obligation. They’ll try to make you fearful and jealous by flaunting their options- men who are interested in them. They’re subconsciously communicating:
“You better do what I say. If you don’t, I have men lined up who will.”
A female friend admitted to me that women deliberately choose romantic partners who they can easily manipulate. Now, some authors think this is how women test men. That if you get easily manipulated, she loses respect for you. Maybe that’s true. But it seems more like exploitation than testing. If you resist a woman’s manipulation, she doesn’t usually love and respect you more. She grows cold and starts to resent you.
Another thing that women do to manipulate men is manufacture reciprocity. I call this forced reciprocity. They’ll do things you didn’t ask them to do for you. You’ll think they’re being so nice and caring. In truth, they’re doing that so they can ask you to do the same thing in the future. Because she has already done it for you, you feel obliged and find it hard to refuse.
Chipping away at your self-esteem by constantly criticizing you, comparing you to other men to make you feel unworthy and insecure, and withdrawing affection (silent treatment) and sex are all emotional manipulation techniques.
6. Laziness
Have you noticed how lazy and unwilling many women are to work?
Again, men are partly responsible for this. They see a damsel in distress and rush to rescue her without asking themselves first:
“Is she really in distress?”
Sometimes she is. Sometimes, she’s just pretending, and that’s toxic. Many women treat the men in their lives like slaves. Author Esther Vilar explains this well in her book The Manipulated Man. This stems from her entitled nature and his willingness to be enslaved.
When you’re distressed, there’s a polite and respectful way to ask for help. Nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be her hero in that situation. The dynamic makes both men and women feel good. The man protects, and the woman feels protected. Just like in the movies. Perfect.
But the reality is far from perfect. Whether or not a woman is in actual distress, she often orders a man to serve her. Her facial expressions and a cold, uncaring tone betray this attitude. Do you see the difference? It’s a moment of rude awakening for many men. When they realize they’re not her hero but her personal assistant. Women are capable of being in a relationship with multiple men at the same time because they’re lazy and need different men for different tasks.
7. Lack of accountability
Just as children do irresponsible things and then blame their siblings, toxic women are the same way. They’ll behave impulsively and irresponsibly and then blame external factors, mainly their partner, for it. Their partner may teach her to be more responsible and accountable, but she’ll hear from one ear and release it from another.
A lot of delusional men in relationships think they’ve ‘handled’ their women by exerting dominance, by being a ‘leader’. They believe they’ve punished the child in her, brought her in line. They’re gravely mistaken. They haven’t taught anything to her. They’ve controlled her through fear. Big difference.
She stopped her bad behaviors only because her man resorted to attaching negative consequences to those behaviors. She’s afraid of those consequences. She hasn’t become a better person. She hasn’t evolved. A toxic woman has no desire for self-improvement. Why should she? She believes she has more to gain by being toxic.
If you, as a man, are controlling your woman through fear, you’re planting and watering the seeds of resentment in her. She’ll never forget that you didn’t let her have her way, that you didn’t allow yourself to be manipulated. She’ll grow distant and cold, chip away at your self-esteem, and unleash her wrath upon you sooner or later. She’ll plan her exit strategy if she consistently finds she can’t manipulate you. Women can plan their exit from a relationship for years. When she finally leaves, she’ll make sure she has made you pay for not tolerating her nonsense.
8. Lack of authenticity
Toxic women are pretenders. Great actors. There’s nothing genuine about them. They’re beautiful empty shells with no personalities. They don’t know who they are or what they like or don’t like. They’ll say one thing in a situation and then tell the exact opposite in another. They have no values.
For instance, they’ll praise your listening skills when you’re being a good puppy. They’ll criticize the same skills when you resist manipulation or even disagree with them. This is proof that what they say reflects their emotions, not reality. They put on a ‘show’ of emotions, likes, dislikes, and preferences for their audience.
They’ll show you they feel a certain way but don’t really feel that way. They’ll fake liking someone, loving them, caring for them, anything. They’ll fake anything to give the impression they want to have their way in different social situations. They’ll poison their man, call the police, and cry in front of the police like a victim. If you’ve consumed true crime, you know how common this is.