Avoidant vs Narcissist: 25 Clear differences

Narcissism and avoidance

There’s a strong link between having an insecure attachment style and narcissism.¹Zhang, Y., Zhang, J., & Wang, Y. (2024). The relationship between attachment insecurity and pathological narcissism: A three‐level meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 16(4), 953-977. A narcissist is a person who shows narcissistic traits. They may or may not have a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Avoidant attachment style is one type of insecure attachment. The other is anxious attachment. 

While avoidants are likely to display narcissistic traits, not all avoidants are narcissistic. They may come across as narcissistic due to behaviors they exhibit that are similar to narcissistic behaviors.

Similarities

1. Common root cause

Both narcissism and the avoidant attachment style are purported to be the result of internalized shame. Avoidants, particularly dismissive avoidants, tend to have the ‘I am defective’ core wound. On the other hand, narcissists tend to overcompensate for their shame wound by maintaining a positive public image and constantly seeking validation (narcissistic supply) from others.

Consequently, both avoidants and narcissists tend to be sensitive to criticism. When their shame wound gets triggered, both will likely shut down, stonewall, and give the silent treatment.

2. Self-centeredness

Both avoidants and narcissists are self-centered but for different reasons. Avoidants are self-centered because they have trust issues. They don’t want to burden others with their needs because they don’t like getting burdened with others’ needs. They value autonomy and independence. In contrast, narcissists are self-centered in a manipulative and exploitative way.

3. Lack of accountability

Avoidants seem to be unaware of how their behaviors affect others. So, it’s hard for them to take accountability. Most of them think they don’t have any issues. However, some can be pretty self-aware and, with a little guidance, can see the errors in their ways. Narcissists, on the other hand, don’t take accountability because they don’t want to be blamed and don’t want to give up their power.

4. Emotionally unavailable

Avoidants tend to be emotionally unavailable because they struggle with intimacy. When a relationship gets close, they feel overwhelmed and need a break. Narcissists are emotionally unavailable because they lack empathy. They see you as a means to an end and don’t care about your emotions.

5. Poor conflict handlers

Healthy conflict resolution requires intimacy and vulnerability. Avoidants and narcissists struggle with both. Avoidants tend to avoid conflicts at all costs. They’ll shut down and run away. Narcissists tend to get aggressive and mean during disputes. Both defend themselves vigorously because they don’t want their ‘flaws’ exposed.

Elaboration of key differences

1. Goal

Avoidants seek independence, whereas narcissists tend to manipulate others. Avoidants are rarely manipulative. It makes sense because avoidants like to rely only on themselves. When you meet nearly all your needs independently, you have no reason to manipulate others. Since narcissists rely heavily on others for their needs, they’re likely to be manipulative.

2. Social approach

By definition, avoidants avoid people. They prefer to be in their own space even when they’re in a social situation. They won’t actively approach others and initiate conversations. They do their best to avoid adverse social outcomes, such as hurting others or getting hurt.

In stark contrast, narcissists have a strong approach motivation in social situations. That is, they’re highly motivated by the rewards of positive social outcomes like praise and admiration.²Foster, J. D., Misra, T. A., & Reidy, D. E. (2009). Narcissists are approach-oriented toward their money and their friends. Journal of research in personality, 43(5), 764-769. So they’ll go out of their way to initiate conversations, be the center of attention and the life of the party in their quest for supply.

3. Conflict

While both avoidants and narcissists are poor conflict handlers, an avoidant avoids conflict at all costs. Narcissists, on the contrary, thrive on conflicts because they are an opportunity to make others feel inferior and boost their ego. Worse, they’ll belittle others when there’s no conflict as if they’re actively looking for conflict. It comes naturally to them. Avoidants rarely belittle outside of a conflict.

4. Love bombing

Avoidants don’t use the love bombing and idealizing manipulative tactics. They’re consistent with their affection level for their partner in the different stages of a relationship- low in the initial stages and high in the later stages. Since narcissists seek to dominate and gain power over others, they’re likely to drastically increase their affection level for their partner (love bombing) because they’re trying to win them over.

Often, there’s a demand attached to the end of the love bombing phase. When you’re getting love-bombed, you’re in a good mood. Your defenses are down, and you’re unlikely to say ‘No’.

5. Distance

When an avoidant gets too close to someone, they feel trapped and overwhelmed. They think their independence is under threat. They deactivate to take a break and need time for themselves. This is hurtful to their partner, who believes the avoidant is avoiding them because the latter doesn’t like, love, or care about them. Avoidants are unaware of how their behaviors affect others. They expect others to understand and respect their need for space automatically.

Narcissists use distancing as a manipulation technique. If you somehow said ‘No’ to their demand when they were love bombing you, they’ll drop their affection as drastically as they had increased it. They’ll avoid you to punish you for not meeting their needs.

6. Self-importance

Avoidants, particularly dismissive avoidants, tend to have high self-esteem. They are hyper-independent overachievers. They don’t care about what others think and go for what they want. As a result, their sense of self-importance is often realistic. It is backed by solid evidence.

Narcissists overachieve not for independence but to gain social status, validation, and admiration of others. But more often, you’ll find that their grandiosity is baseless. It is disproportionate to their actual achievements.

If narcissists can fool others into thinking they’re more special than they are, they will.

7. Need for appreciation

Since avoidants and narcissists harbor an internal sense of shame, both seek appreciation to equilibrate their shame wounds. The key difference is that avoidants only want appreciation from the people they respect and are close to, whereas narcissists seek appreciation from everyone in a grand way.

If you show appreciation to an avoidant in a grand way, they’ll feel that you’re doing a huge favor for them, and they don’t want that much from anyone. Also, it can be perceived as them wanting external validation, which they don’t care about. These are things a narcissist thrives on. They’ll want every small thing turned into a grand celebration.

8. Empathy

Avoidants often get blamed for not having empathy. In truth, they’re highly empathetic but don’t express it in words. They show it through their actions. Since they have negative emotional associations with showing emotions, they generally show less emotions. That also applies to showing empathy. It’s the narcissists who truly lack empathy. They don’t care if they hurt you or inflict costs on you in other ways.

9. Social demeanor

Avoidants don’t believe they’re superior to others despite having a positive view of self and a negative view of others. They just don’t trust people not to hurt them. They have a cold and standoffish social demeanor.³Pistole, M. C. (1995). Adult attachment style and narcissistic vulnerability. Psychoanalytic psychology, 12(1), 115. They don’t want to approach you or talk to you. To them, social interactions are mostly draining and burdensome. They’re not avoiding others out of a sense of superiority, even though it may seem like that.

Avoidants treat everyone the same regardless of their status because they don't care about status.

Narcissists carry an air of arrogance and superiority, which can make them charming, intriguing, and charismatic. You’re hypnotized into thinking they’re high-value. You want to know where their arrogance is coming from. They must have a fantastic life and may have done amazing things. Their mannerisms, body language, and words all convey, directly or indirectly:

“I am better than you.”

If they avoid you, they probably think you’re inferior to them. They only want to associate with special others who are high-status because they want to be seen as high-status.

10. Isolation tactics

Avoidants will not isolate you from your social support systems. They’re glad you have others who can meet some of your social needs and lessen their burden. Pathological narcissists, since they intend to abuse you, seek to isolate you from friends and family. It will bother them when you spend time with friends and family. They may even tell you something like:

“What happens between us stays between us.”

That statement not only helps them protect their social image but also ensures that their abusive tactics don’t get leaked. It’s discouraging you from seeking social support so they can keep manipulating you. Think about it: If your relational behaviors are healthy, you won’t be afraid of your partner talking about them to their friends and family. 

References

• 1
  Zhang, Y., Zhang, J., & Wang, Y. (2024). The relationship between attachment insecurity and pathological narcissism: A three‐level meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 16(4), 953-977.
• 2
  Foster, J. D., Misra, T. A., & Reidy, D. E. (2009). Narcissists are approach-oriented toward their money and their friends. Journal of research in personality, 43(5), 764-769.
• 3
  Pistole, M. C. (1995). Adult attachment style and narcissistic vulnerability. Psychoanalytic psychology, 12(1), 115.