Attachment style refers to one’s style of relating or connecting with others, especially romantic partners. Based on attachment theory, attachment styles provide a valuable framework for understanding how people behave in relationships. There are two main types of attachment styles- secure and insecure. Insecure attachment is further classified into three subtypes:
- Avoidant attachment
- Anxious attachment
- Anxious-avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment style is an insecure relationship pattern characterized by discomfort with emotional intimacy, a strong need for independence, and difficulty trusting or feeling close to others, often as a self-protective measure. Those with the avoidant attachment style, aka avoidants, tend to avoid close relationships. They either have shallow relationships or none at all. They have a core belief that relationships are not necessary.
What causes avoidant attachment?
Attachment theory was formulated based on a series of experiments called the Strange Situation experiments. In these experiments, the mother of an infant would temporarily leave a room, inducing distress in the child. The infants’ behavior was different when the mother returned.
Some anxiously clung to the mother, not letting her go. These were classified as having anxious attachment. Some soothed their distress by embracing their mother, but soon returned to their prior activity. These were classified as having secure attachment. Some infants would avoid or resist having contact with their mother once she returned. These had the avoidant attachment style.
Over time, researchers learned that these styles remained stable over a lifetime unless a person went through some life-changing or traumatic interpersonal experience that had the potential to change their attachment style.1Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Fraley, R. C. (2013). From the cradle to the grave: Age differences in attachment from early adulthood to old age. Journal of personality, 81(2), 171-183. That means that our mental models of attachment, which were formed in early childhood, largely dictate how we attach to people in adulthood, especially romantic partners.
Children with secure attachment had primary caregivers who were responsive to their needs and emotions, especially distress. In their parent, they found a secure base from which to explore the world. The parent of anxiously attached children showed inconsistent responsiveness. So, the anxiously attached child grabs any bits and pieces of responsiveness and attention from the parent. The avoidant children had a parent so inconsistent in their caring and responsiveness that they lost hope in relying on them to soothe their distress. They detached from their parent completely and sought emotional independence.
Root cause of avoidant attachment
At the root of avoidant attachment is emotional neglect. Avoidants may have had parents who met their physical and material needs, but emotional attunement between the parent and the child was lacking. This could be due to several reasons. Maybe the parent was working and had little time for the child. Perhaps the parent didn’t know how to handle/soothe their own emotions, so they didn’t know how to be responsive to the child’s emotions.
Their parents were likely avoidant themselves, thanks to the emotional neglect they faced in their own early childhood.
Behavior of parents of avoidant children
Parents of avoidant children typically show the following patterns of behavior:
- Dismissing emotional needs or showing annoyance at their expression
- Encouraging or enforcing suppression of emotions
- Rejecting or punishing the child’s emotional bids for closeness
- Strict and overcritical
A child is highly dependent on their caregivers for survival. If the child’s emotional self is suppressed, they have to find an alternate survival strategy to cope with the pain and remain in their parents’ good graces. So, the child learns to suppress their emotional self. The child learns to neglect their own emotions and emotional needs because expressing such needs doesn’t yield any positive outcome.
“It’s pointless to rely on my parent to meet my emotional needs. I should either deny these needs or seek to meet them on my own.”
The child learns that having emotional needs is shameful. Having suppressed their emotional side for a long time, they grow up to be hyper-focused on logic. They lack awareness of their emotional states.2Stevens, F. L. (2014). Affect regulation styles in avoidant and anxious attachment. Individual Differences Research, 12(3).
Avoidant attachment traits
1. Emotional independence
Avoidants prefer self-sufficiency over relying on others for emotional support. When faced with distress, they don’t tend to regulate their emotions via social support. Instead, they engage in ‘creature comforts’ like binge-eating, binge-watching TV, playing video games, etc.
2. Discomfort with intimacy
Avoidants struggle with deep emotional connections. They’re okay as long as things remain superficial and casual. But as soon as things get close and they have to be vulnerable, they quickly shut the door to their heart. They seem to take one step forward and four steps back regarding emotional closeness.
3. Difficulty trusting others
Avoidants distrust people, especially in emotional contexts, and assume others are unreliable or dishonest. This negative view of the world and people is characteristic of avoidant attachment. They’re also prone to believing conspiracy theories since it aligns with their belief that others are out to get them.3Leone, L., Giacomantonio, M., Williams, R., & Michetti, D. (2018). Avoidant attachment style and conspiracy ideation. Personality and Individual Differences, 134, 329-336.
4. Emotional suppression
They downplay or ignore emotions, rationalizing instead of expressing them.4Kotler, T., Buzwell, S., Romeo, Y., & Bowland, J. (1994). Avoidant attachment as a risk factor for health. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 67(3), 237-245. They avoid discussing flaws or negative memories. It stems from the core belief that something is wrong with them if they show their emotional side.
5. Distancing techniques
Also called deactivating strategies, they use distancing techniques like excuses (e.g., work, busyness) or indirect behaviors (e.g., sulking instead of addressing issues) to avoid emotional interactions.
6. Emotionally cold
Avoidants engage in emotionally shallow conversation and avoid physical or verbal affection. They seem to have trouble with all kinds of intimacy, especially emotional and physical, except intellectual intimacy. They love intellectual intimacy and conflate it with emotional intimacy because their entire identity may revolve around being intellectual.
7. Conflict avoidance
They prefer to sidestep issues rather than work through them, often tuning out during unpleasant discussions. Conflict is overwhelming for them, and they don’t know how to handle their own and others’ emotions during conflict.
8. Hyper-independence
They prioritize self-sufficiency, work, or personal interests over relationships and get annoyed by emotional demands. If they could, they’d meet all their needs, including emotional ones, themselves. The fact that they can’t and have to rely on others bothers them. They avoid situations where they or others might become dependent. They hate burdening others with their needs.
Avoidant attachment style in relationships
First and foremost, avoidants tend to avoid relationships as much as possible. They’re hyper-focused on being independent. That automatically means they don’t have much time or energy for relationships. If they can do without relationships, they will.
Since humans, including avoidants, have a deep need for connection, avoidants often find themselves in this mental battle between independence and connection. They want independence, no doubt about that. But they also find that it gets lonely sometimes and start to crave connection.
When an avoidant connects with someone, they’ll initially keep the relationship superficial. They are slow in opening up. They have trust issues, and too many walls have been built around them that need to be taken down before they can get close. They’re highly socially selective. They don’t just write that in their Instagram bios to sound cool.
They’re the opposite of attention and validation seekers, so you won't see them posting much on social media.
Their fears kick in once they’ve established a connection with someone and the relationship gets close. They feel unsafe being that close. They think it is shameful for them to expose their emotional self like that. They’re hypervigilant towards any rejection and criticism of their emotional self. If they detect it, they tell themselves:
“I told you so. It’s pointless to connect on an emotional level.”
Their tendency to avoid closeness and emotional connection creates problems in the relationship.5Li, T., & Chan, D. K. S. (2012). How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta‐analytic review. European journal of social psychology, 42(4), 406-419. They experience more negative than positive emotions in relationships.6Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 59(5), 971.
Relationships are built on trust, vulnerability, and the mutual experience of positive emotions. You can’t build trust and connection when you ghost or cut someone off at the slightest hint of trouble or conflict.7Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, emotional, and behavioral reactions to breaking up: The roles of gender, age, emotional involvement, and attachment style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7), 871-884. But that’s the self-protective strategy of avoidants. They don’t want to experience the same pain they did in the past.
