In attachment theory, the anxious and avoidant attachment styles are two insecure attachment styles. Those with these styles behave in insecure ways in romantic relationships, leading to friction or even dissolution. Before we delve into the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics, let’s first understand the two attachment styles.
To be specific, in this article, I’ll refer to the anxious attachment style as the Anxious-Preoccupied (AP) and the avoidant attachment style as the Dismissive-Avoidant (DA).
DA personality traits
DAs have low connection needs. They value their freedom and autonomy more than intimacy. Thanks to their prior traumatic experiences, they’ve come to believe that nothing is more critical than self-reliance, not even close relationships. As a result, they’re less invested in relationships overall. They feel like there’s hardly anything to gain from them. They’d instead meet their needs themselves.
Of course, this goes against human nature. It’s human nature to want connection and close relationships. Thus, there’s an internal conflict in the DA. They want connection but don’t want the loss of independence that can come with being connected or that they perceive can come from being connected.
DAs assume abandonment. They believe relationships aren’t worth pursuing because you’ll get rejected and abandoned eventually. This comes from a deep-rooted sense of shame that was instilled in them in their early childhood by caregivers who emotionally neglected them. Because they were neglected, they had to survive somehow. So, they learned to be alone and survive on their own. As a result, DAs tend to have a strong sense of self. They’re clear about who they are and what they want.
AP personality traits
APs are the complete opposite of DAs. They have a weak sense of self and struggle to be alone. They lack independence and overly rely on others to meet their needs. They have high connection needs because that’s how they learned to survive. Their caregivers did neglect them at times, but not enough for them to completely detach and ‘decide’ to be on their own.
APs are externally focused, meaning they people-please and seek approval from others. This isn’t just because they get to meet many of their needs from others but also because, without the validation of others, they don’t know who they are. Lacking a sense of self means they’re unsure of what they want in the different life areas. They want others to make these decisions for them. They want others to define who they are.
APs fear abandonment in relationships. Despite having high connection needs, they believe they’re fundamentally unworthy of relationships. As a result, they constantly seek connections from multiple people to have people to fall back on in case a relationship fails. Unlike DAs, they lose themselves when their relationships fail because they over-identify with their relationships.
DA + AP relationship dynamic
Given their poles-apart programming, you’d think that DAs and APs would want nothing to do with each other. That isn’t the case at all. In fact, this relationship dynamic is pretty common. Usually, men are DAs, and women are APs in this dynamic.1Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Davis, K. E. (1994). Attachment style, gender, and relationship stability: a longitudinal analysis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 66(3), 502.
What draws these two attachment styles to each other?
AP has traits that DA lacks, and DA has traits that AP lacks. We’re attracted to people who have positive characteristics that we lack. DAs are attracted to the supportiveness, care, and warmth of APs because they lack these traits. APs are drawn to the independence and mystery of DAs because they lack these traits.
We want to add value to our lives when seeking a romantic relationship. We’re seeking to become more than we are. Because two people in a close romantic relationship identify with each other, they subconsciously think they’re adopting the positive traits of their partner as their own.
There’s another reason there’s such a ‘spark’ in this dynamic, at least in the initial stages. This dynamic gives both partners a chance to heal their core wounds. A good indicator that someone has been traumatized in childhood is that they over-invest in one life area as an adult. The DA over-invests in independence (financial, skills, etc.), and the AP over-invests in relationships. When you over-invest in one life area, your other life areas inevitably suffer.
Romantic relationships give DAs and APs a chance to heal and bring more balance to their lives by learning each other’s ways. They provide an opportunity to reach a state of healthy interdependence, a chance to heal their insecure attachment and move towards being more securely attached.
Points of friction in the dynamic
1. DA’s issues
While the DA may enjoy connection, supportiveness, and warmth during the initial stages, their fears get triggered as soon as the relationship gets closer. They feel smothered and sense a threat to their independence. They fear being pressured, controlled, and manipulated into doing things for the AP. They hate demands and expectations. They get triggered when their boundaries get violated and when their partner doesn’t respect their need for space. Since they carry a deep sense of shame, any criticism from their partner, even using a harsh tone, touches their shame wound and forces them to deactivate or disconnect from the relationship.
2. AP’s issues
APs are hypersensitive to signs of abandonment in a relationship. When their DA partner wants space, they get triggered and see it as abandonment. They tend to blame themselves for their partner wanting space. Since they expect their partner to meet almost all of their needs, they can’t take “No” for an answer. They get triggered when their partner says “No”. Driven by their deep sense of unworthiness, they constantly crave validation, approval, and reassurance from their partner.
How to fix the dynamic
These issues become points of conflict and can significantly reduce the quality of the relationship.2Meyer, D. D., Jones, M., Rorer, A., & Maxwell, K. (2015). Examining the associations among attachment, affective state, and romantic relationship quality. The Family Journal, 23(1), 18-25. The conflicts are intense because the DAs and APs are on opposite ends of the attachment spectrum. It’s hard for them to see things from their partner’s perspective. They’re essentially living in separate worlds.
Note that DAs aren’t always avoidant, and APs aren’t always clingy and demanding. They behave in these dysfunctional ways when their attachment-related concerns are triggered.3Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 19-24.
It follows that this relationship can work if both partners learn to consider each other’s attachment-related concerns and avoid triggering each other. That’s only possible when you know your partner’s attachment style, what triggers them, and why. Once you know your partner’s triggers, you can communicate your needs and fears without triggering them.
For example, if you’re a DA with an AP partner:
DA: “I need some time for myself.”
AP: “Did I do something wrong? Are you going to leave me?”
DA (wrong response): “Why don’t you trust me? Why are you so clingy?”
(Blames partner, leading to conflict escalation. Sub-communicates lack of trust in the relationship.)
DA (correct response): “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I’ll talk to you about it later.”
(Sub-communicates that it’s not about them. The relationship is fine. The connection is delayed but not dead.)
Another example:
AP: “You don’t spend enough time with me.”
DA: “We spent 3 hours together yesterday! Nothing I do is enough for you.”
AP (wrong response): “It looks like I’m not a priority for you at all.”
(Blames partner. DAs get triggered by criticism.)
AP (correct response): “I’m feeling disconnected right now. I need 5 minutes of your time. Then, you can go back to doing what you’re doing.”
(Avoids criticism. Communicates immediate need without over-burdening the DA with demands and expectations.)
Over time, you learn what makes your partner tick and how to avoid stepping on their boundaries and triggers. When you learn your partner’s ways, you can truly heal and internalize those traits you sought in your partner. When the relationship succeeds, the DA becomes a warm, connection-seeking, and supportive person over time. The AP learns to rely more on themselves and develops a sense of identity.
When to leave the relationship
The biggest sign that this dynamic isn’t working is when one or both partners aren’t willing to work on themselves. If both partners are unwilling to change, the relationship is dead from the get-go. If one partner changes but another stays the same, the relationship is dead as well. It’s highly frustrating for the partner who’s actively working to heal themselves to see their partner uninterested in changing their ways.
Why wouldn’t the other partner want the change?
The answer is simple: They’re selfish. They feel they have more to gain by staying the same. They’re unwilling to be a team and work on themselves and the relationship. Behaving insecurely, immaturely, and childishly may be in their best interest. They’re not willing to give that up. Remember that you’re only responsible for your healing journey, not your partner’s. No matter what you do, you can’t change your partner if they’re unwilling to change.
Other than that, loss of emotional connection, disrespect, repeated disregard for boundaries, and lack of trust in the relationship are sure signs that the relationship is doomed. In a healthy relationship, power is equally distributed between the partners. In an unhealthy relationship, one partner tries to gain the upper hand on the other partner. Such unbalanced power dynamics in a relationship are a sure sign that it’s time to leave.
If you’ve tried your best to make the relationship equal but your partner always tries to have their way or gets bitter and vengeful when they don’t get their way, you can only try so much.