Disorganized attachment, also called the Fearful-Avoidant (FA) attachment style, means that a person simultaneously experiences a desire and fear of close connection in relationships, especially romantic relationships. It’s a type of insecure attachment style.
It’s called a ‘disorganized’ attachment style because, unlike other styles, there’s no clear strategy to meet one’s attachment needs in a relationship.1Hollidge, C. F., & Hollidge, E. O. (2016). Seeking security in the face of fear: The disorganized dilemma. Psychoanalytic Social Work, 23(2), 130-144. FAs display confusing, erratic, and incoherent behaviors.2Cassidy, J., & Mohr, J. J. (2001). Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. Clinical psychology: Science and practice, 8(3), 275. In addition to these disorganized behaviors, they also display a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Some FAs may be anxious-leaning, meaning they predominantly show anxious behaviors, while others may be avoidant-leaning, meaning they predominantly show avoidant behaviors.
What side FAs show will mostly depend on what they’re going through in a relationship. In the dating stage, they’re likely to show behaviors typical of the anxious-preoccupied person. They will shower their romantic partner with love, be fully present, and give them lots of attention. As soon as the honeymoon stage ends and the relationship gets closer, their fears will activate, and they’ll pull back like a dismissive-avoidant.
Unlike a dismissive-avoidant, FAs desire connection strongly and believe relationships are important. So, they’re likely to come back again, restarting the cycle. FAs, therefore, tend to be in this cycle of hot-and-cold behaviors, leading to confusion not only in themselves but also in their partners.
FA Traits
In addition to displaying hot-and-cold behaviors in relationships, FAs have the following traits:
- Poor self-regulation leading to mood swings, anxiety, or depression3Bogdanović, A., Radev, M. T., & Stanojević, T. S. (2023). Disorganized attachment, mentalization and dissociation in context of childhood trauma: Implications for depressive symptoms. Child Abuse Review, 32(2), e2798.
- Difficulty trusting others
- Struggle with vulnerability
- Helplessness4Lyons-Ruth, K. (2007). The interface between attachment and intersubjectivity: Perspective from the longitudinal study of disorganized attachment. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 26(4), 595-616.
- Prone to addictions, personality disorders, and suicidal ideation5Beeney, J. E., Wright, A. G., Stepp, S. D., Hallquist, M. N., Lazarus, S. A., Beeney, J. R., … & Pilkonis, P. A. (2017). Disorganized attachment and personality functioning in adults: A latent class analysis. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 8(3), 206.
- Biased thinking patterns (black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, etc.)
- Poor boundaries
- Come across as “intense” due to their emotional volatility
- Dissociation (fragmented identity, depersonalization/derealization, emotional numbness, and narrative discrepancies)6Lyons-Ruth, K., Dutra, L., Schuder, M. R., & Bianchi, I. (2006). From infant attachment disorganization to adult dissociation: Relational adaptations or traumatic experiences?. Psychiatric Clinics, 29(1), 63-86.
- Struggle to make sense of their experiences
- View themselves as unworthy and the world as unsafe
- Over-focus on power dynamics in relationships (control or be controlled)
- Struggle to understand their own and others’ mental states7Liotti, G., & Gilbert, P. (2011). Mentalizing, motivation, and social mentalities: Theoretical considerations and implications for psychotherapy. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, research and practice, 84(1), 9-25.
- Aggressive and hostile8Paetzold, R. L., Rholes, W. S., & Kohn, J. L. (2015). Disorganized attachment in adulthood: Theory, measurement, and implications for romantic relationships. Review of General Psychology, 19(2), 146-156.
- Passionate and creative
- Like to have fun
- Enjoy stimulating intellectual conversations
- Highly charismatic and charming
Healing disorganized attachment
Since FAs find it hard to regulate their emotions, the first step to healing would be understanding their own and others’ emotions. This can be achieved by not giving knee-jerk emotional reactions to triggering situations. To be able to do that, they need to learn how to manage their triggers.
Instead of assuming their own mental states and those of others, they need to learn to communicate what’s happening in their internal world. Open and honest communication about thoughts and feelings can go a long way in helping them understand internal cues.
Understanding their emotions and how they react to their emotions will help them understand their unhealthy coping mechanisms like addictions. Recovering from such unhealthy behaviors will put them in a great position to do deep, inner healing.
Core wounds reprogramming
Shaped by their early interactions with their primary caregivers, FAs have the following major core wounds:
- “I will be betrayed.”
- “I am unworthy.”
- “I am unsafe.”
- “I am helpless.”
To reprogram these negative core beliefs, they must provide their minds with evidence that disproves these beliefs. For example, to reprogram the “I am unworthy” core wound, they can ask themselves:
“What have I done that proves I am worthy?”
No matter how big of a failure they think they are, everybody can think of things that they have accomplished. If you’re an FA and don’t have any achievements to lean on, you need to work on piling up your achievements as soon as possible. Even if you feel unworthy of achievements, go after them no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. Once you pile up your achievements, you’ll neutralize this core wound and build your self-worth.
The same is valid for reprogramming other core wounds. You must consistently prove to your mind that these trauma-induced negative self-beliefs are wrong. They were formed when you couldn’t make sense of your experiences. You relied on easy explanations instead of a deep understanding of what happened. It’s not too late. You can get a deep understanding now in a therapeutic setting or by reflecting on your experiences.
Improving relationships
When you fix your internal world as an FA, it will show in your external world, especially in your romantic relationships. Unhealed FAs tend to have volatile romantic relationships. Drama and conflict in relationships are the norm for them, their subconscious comfort zone. They consistently seek the highs and lows in their relationships. When they heal, they’re more accepting of stability, security, and harmony in their relationships.
Since FAs struggle with trusting their attachment figures, they tend to be very suspicious of their partners. They’re hypervigilant about their partner’s behaviors. They’re constantly looking for signs of betrayal, even when they are in a healthy relationship. Again, understanding and managing their triggers can help them overcome this tendency.
Another thing FAs can work on in their relationships is overcoming the tendency to form covert contracts. FAs invest a lot in their relationship and expect their partner to do the same. They give to get. If their partner doesn’t reciprocate, they might think they’re getting betrayed or taken advantage of.
Even if their partner does reciprocate, but not in the same way or to the same degree, that can also be triggering for an FA. Because they think relationships are all about power dynamics and control. Of course, power dynamics are a part of all human relationships, but there is so much more to relationships than just power dynamics. FAs struggle to look beyond power dynamics in a relationship. Hence, their relationship is unlikely to reach its full potential unless they overcome their fear of intimacy and vulnerability.