Yes, it’s possible to love someone without trusting them. Love and trust are separate psychological systems with separate functions. Love evolved so mammals could form and cement social bonds. Trust tells us whether or not we can rely upon someone in times of need. It has more to do with feeling safety and security.1MacDonald, K. (2005). Personality, evolution, and development. Evolutionary perspectives on human development, 207-242.
Regarding romantic love, you fall in love with someone based on a set of subconscious criteria. This list that everyone has in their mind for their potential partner doesn’t just include physical traits but also psychological ones. You’ll likely fall in love with someone who checks off the maximum number of boxes in your subconscious checklist.
In other words, to fall in love with someone, many things have to be right. It depends on many variables. Trust is more straightforward. If a person keeps their promises and supports you in times of need, you trust them. Trust is one of the variables of love. If it’s there- good- but you can still fall in love with someone if it’s absent because your other boxes are getting checked.
Love without trust
When you fall in love with someone, trust is minimal. In the earlier stages of a romantic relationship, attraction and getting to know the person play a much more significant role than trust. Trust only becomes essential in the later stages when the relationship is established.
You can love a friend without fully trusting them. Parents love their children but don’t trust them with many things. Feelings of love don’t require trust to exist. However, in romantic relationships, having trust makes things way better. If trust gets broken in a romantic relationship, the relationship suffers, but it does not typically die. A trust-less romantic relationship survives, but it doesn’t thrive.
When trust is broken in a relationship, partners typically give each other multiple opportunities to rebuild it. Since trust isn’t as complicated as love, it can be easier to rebuild it than to re-catch lost feelings for someone. When you lose feelings for someone, the relationship almost dies.
Trust without love
Since love and trust are separate psychological mechanisms, you can trust someone but not love them. Business relationships and relationships with coworkers tend to be like this. You can trust a brand but not love them. You can trust a coworker but not love them. Similarly, you can trust a family member to meet your needs, but you may not love them.
Trust is more closely related to the concept of attachment than love. This is because our earliest ideas about trust develop from our relationship with our primary caregivers. If one or more of our primary caregivers securely attaches to us in childhood, we become a more secure and trusting adult. If that doesn’t happen, we grow up to become insecure and untrusting. This is played out strongly in romantic relationships. When people have trust issues in a romantic relationship, the relationship suffers.
We can trust people more easily than we can love them, not only because love is a more complicated emotion but also because trust is more fundamental to human nature than love.2MacDonald, K., Patch, E. A., & Figueredo, A. J. (2016). Love, trust, and evolution: Nurturance/love and trust as two independent attachment systems underlying intimate relationships. Psychology, 7(2), 238-253. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs also recognizes this as it places safety needs (trust) below love and belonging needs.
You probably trust more people than you love. You trust your family members and friends to help you, even if you don’t love them. You trust your teachers to teach you. You trust your priest to preach. You trust the government to provide electricity, water, and transportation. You trust your barber to cut your hair. You trust fellow drivers on the road to obey traffic rules. You don’t love these people, but you trust them.
Love + Trust
Although not required for falling or even staying in love, trust makes a relationship much better and helps it reach its full potential. It lays a strong foundation for a relationship, and relationships with trust are more likely to last. Trust is powerful in love because it ensures future reciprocity. You trust that the person you love will act in specific ways now and in the future. Reciprocity (mutual benefit) is a fundamental reason why humans form relationships in the first place.
Trust leads to vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships. A big part of trust is being able to discuss emotions calmly.3Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26. When you do that, you can be more authentic and transparent in your relationship. You won’t have to hide parts of yourself in the relationship. When asked what the central features of romantic love were, trust was voted the most essential feature, even more important than respect.4Regan, P. C., Kocan, E. R., & Whitlock, T. (1998). Ain’t love grand! A prototype analysis of the concept of romantic love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(3), 411-420.
When you have attracted a romantic partner, the relationship becomes more about mutual support and retaining that partner than attraction. You’re more likely to get supported by and keep a partner that you can trust. When trust gets broken in a relationship, you should do everything you can to rebuild it. If you can’t rebuild it, the relationship becomes unhealthy. Staying in a relationship that lacks trust but has love can be detrimental to your well-being in the long run.