Being obsessed with someone involves devoting a lot of resources to that person. Be it mental, emotional, financial, or temporal resources. You can’t stop thinking about them. You stalk them on the internet and/or in real life. You crave their attention and yearn to talk to them. You keep talking about them to your friends. They’ve taken over your mind and life.
Many of these behaviors make sense if you’re in the early connection or honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship. You’re assessing your partner’s suitability for a long-term, committed relationship.1Fletcher, G. J., Simpson, J. A., Campbell, L., & Overall, N. C. (2015). Pair-bonding, romantic love, and evolution: The curious case of Homo sapiens. Perspectives on psychological science, 10(1), 20-36. But what explains being obsessed with someone you barely know?
Reasons for being obsessed with a stranger
1. Attraction
Why did that one person out of so many people catch your eye? They’re probably very physically attractive. Often, your brain has to decide whether or not someone is a potential partner based on limited visual information about that person. At this point, you can’t deeply understand their personality.
Once you lock in on a person and think of them as a potential partner, you start to get obsessed with that person.2Fisher, H. E. (1998). Lust, attraction, and attachment in mammalian reproduction. Human nature, 9, 23-52. You’re motivated to approach them, spend time with them, and get to know them better. Initiating, building, and maintaining relationships is costly- a significant drain on your resources. That’s why it’s hard to be obsessed with multiple people. You may find numerous people attractive, but you’ll not be obsessed with them all in the same way.3Feygin, D. L., Swain, J. E., & Leckman, J. F. (2006). The normalcy of neurosis: Evolutionary origins of obsessive–compulsive disorder and related behaviors. Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology and Biological Psychiatry, 30(5), 854-864. Your mind has a hierarchy of potential partners. You’re likely to get obsessed with someone who occupies the topmost position in that hierarchy.
Once you decide, based on limited information, that a person is a potential partner, your mind starts projecting its fantasies onto that person. People naturally have fantasies of what their ideal partner will be like. You idealize that person and attribute positive qualities to them that they may not necessarily have. Evolution has wired us to reproduce at all costs. It doesn’t care about reality if it gets in the way of pursuing potential mates.
This is also observed in the halo effect. Because a person has one good quality (physical attractiveness), you think they have multiple good qualities in other areas of life. You think they’re smart, wise, hard-working, caring, charismatic, funny, etc., despite there being no evidence of the same.
2. Sense of purpose
Our relationships shape a considerable portion of our identities. For many, their romantic relationship provides a significant chunk of who they are. So, people with a weak sense of identity find meaning and a sense of purpose in pursuing and establishing a romantic relationship. Without it, their life lacks meaning. They don’t know who they are. Their self-worth is tied to being in a relationship.4Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (2007). The state of the art of stalking: Taking stock of the emerging literature. Aggression and violent Behavior, 12(1), 64-86. So, in getting obsessed with someone they barely know, they’re getting obsessed with getting a self-esteem boost.
3. Curiosity
Humans are naturally curious, some more than others. We had to be because it motivates us to understand our environments, master them, and enhance survival and reproduction. If something piques our curiosity, we want to know more. We get obsessed with it. This explains why you may be obsessed with a person who is a question mark. That person doesn’t seem to fit any stereotypes. They seem to have contradictory traits. You want to make sense of the contradiction that they are.
Curiosity can not only get triggered by contradictory information but also by limited information. The mind is designed to ‘fill in the gaps’ of missing information. Also, the mind is designed to believe that scarcity equals value. What is scarce is valuable; what is abundant is cheap. To your mind, the person you barely know is more valuable than those you know. So you get obsessed with them.
This is why many dating gurus emphasize being mysterious. People don’t get obsessed with what they have figured out. They put them on the shelf and move on to the next mystery.
4. Familiarity
Every day, we encounter strangers. People we barely look at and don’t even greet. Some of these people move from being strangers to being people we know. What leads to this transition? The answer: Familiarity.
If you see someone repeatedly, keeping them in the ‘strangers’ zone is hard. Over time, they become familiar. You look at them and greet them. You may even like them. It’s called the mere exposure effect. You certainly like them more than the strangers you don’t even look at or greet.
We’re likely to get obsessed with these familiar people because they are in this weird land between the ‘land of strangers’ and the ‘land of familiars’. Based on your subsequent interactions with them, your mind will have to decide whether to put them in the land of strangers or familiars or keep them in the middle zone. They present a social problem you must solve, so you keep thinking about them.
Then, there’s a thing called subconscious familiarity. You may meet a person who is familiar to you but on a subconscious level. They probably remind you of an ex, a friend, or a family member. They may be similar to this person you encountered in the past in their appearance, gait, mannerisms, dressing sense, etc. Your subconscious thinks that this new person is the same as the person from your past. It’s called stimulus generalization.
You may have observed that the people you’re attracted to resemble those you were attracted to in the past. Your mind developed positive emotional associations with the person from your past. So, any new person similar to that older person makes you associate the same positive emotions with the former.
5. Negative emotions
If you’re experiencing stress, anxiety, loneliness, or depression, you may be looking for an escape from these emotions. You’re more likely to get obsessed with someone you barely know when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable state. It’s common for people to find themselves getting obsessed with someone soon after a breakup. The loss of a romantic partner is stressful and creates waves of loneliness. The memories that brought joy once become painful. Your self-worth takes a hit. To escape this pain, your mind craves a new source of pleasure. This new person you’re obsessed with provides you with that much-needed dose of pleasure and a boost of self-worth.
6. Low mate value
If you believe you have a low mate value, you will likely be obsessed with the first person you find attractive. Mate value is simply a 1-10 number indicating your attractiveness. If you believe you’re a 4, you’ll likely be obsessed with someone you perceive as an 8. This explains why people become obsessed with celebrities and not vice versa.
Because you think you’re a 4 and will probably never be able to attract an 8 again, you hold on to that person like your life depends on it. You never want to let them go. Ironically, this makes you more anxious and nervous around them because you’ve put them on a pedestal. You don’t want to ruin your chances with them. If you believed you were an 8 or a 9, you’d have a more abundant and detached mindset. You’d think that you can attract anyone you want. You wouldn’t get obsessed with anyone.5Duntley, J. D., & Buss, D. M. (2012). The evolution of stalking. Sex roles, 66, 311-327.
This explains why, even though being obsessed with someone can feel good temporarily, over time, your self-esteem drops the more obsessive you become. When obsessed, you’re communicating to your mind:
“This person I’m obsessed with is more important than me. They are the prize.”
You reduce your value. Think about a person you admire. How would you feel about them if you learned they’re obsessed with someone and have also been stalking them?
7. Limerence
Limerence is one of the most difficult emotional states to get out of. Limerence is when you get overly attached to someone you’re already in a relationship with or to someone you barely know. It leads to obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors like stalking.6Bradbury, P., Short, E., & Bleakley, P. (2024). Limerence, hidden obsession, fixation, and rumination: a scoping review of human behaviour. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, 1-10.
Those with attachment trauma who develop insecure attachment styles tend to overly attach to their romantic partners. From a psychoanalytic perspective, they have a morbid attachment to the ‘missing’ object of infancy.7Mitchell, L. (2000). Attachment to the missing object: Infidelity and obsessive love. Journal of Applied Psychoanalytic Studies, 2(4), 383-395. In simple terms, they’re hungry for love because they’ve had very little of it when they should’ve unconditionally had a lot of it.
In contrast, those with secure attachment styles are more chill about their relationships. They don’t get overly attached to their potential or actual partners.
