A person with bipolar disorder experiences episodes of mania and/or hypomania and depression. Mania is a state of high mood or energy. A bipolar in a manic state feels extremely positive, negative, or both. Hypomania has the same symptoms as mania but is less severe. In the depression phase, a bipolar experiences low mood or energy.
Since bipolars are consumed by their emotions when experiencing these mood shifts, when they blame, their blame is often unjustified, irrational, and/or exaggerated. Normal people also tend to blame others when stressed or experiencing negative emotions. But they typically cool down quickly and can reflect on, or even regret, their unjustified blaming. However, bipolars take longer to cool down and are unlikely to admit their blaming was unjustified.
Why do bipolar husbands blame?
When trying to understand how bipolar blaming manifests in men, take the usual problematic behaviors of men and multiply them threefold. Because bipolar men experience more intense emotions, their troubling behaviors (like blaming) are more troublesome.
1. Severe mania
Bipolar men experience more severe and frequent manic episodes than bipolar women.1Azorin, J. M., Belzeaux, R., Kaladjian, A., Adida, M., Hantouche, E., Lancrenon, S., & Fakra, E. (2013). Risks associated with gender differences in bipolar I disorder. Journal of affective disorders, 151(3), 1033-1040. So, when your bipolar husband blames you, he’s probably going through a manic phase.
2. Irritability
Irritability is a symptom of both the manic and depressive phases. When a bipolar is irritable, they’re likely to get angry over small and inconsequential things. Instead of understanding that their emotional state is putting them on the edge, they’re likely to blame you for being irritable.
3. Impulsivity
Due to the intensity of their emotional experiences, bipolars often behave impulsively. So, your husband may blame you and say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. His blaming has less to do with you and more with the fact that he’s overwhelmed by his emotions.
4. Reckless behaviors
Since men generally tend to be risk-takers, this tendency increases in bipolar men. Bipolar men are likely to take part in reckless behaviors like:
- Irresponsible spending
- Pathological gambling
- Physical aggression
- Disregard for the laws
- Scamming people
They’re unlikely to take responsibility for these behaviors and may blame you for ‘pushing’ them to do these things.
5. Stress
Because bipolar men experience intense emotions, their stress levels are also more intense. When they experience a stressful event, they’re likely to get overwhelmed by their feelings and resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol and substance abuse. Studies have shown that professional changes, like getting demoted or losing a job, is a significant stressor that triggers bipolar episodes in men.2Arnold, L. M. (2003). Gender differences in bipolar disorder. Psychiatric Clinics, 26(3), 595-620.
Again, instead of taking the blame for these unhealthy behaviors, they’re likely to project blame onto you.
6. Grandiosity
Bipolar men are more likely to be grandiose in their manic episodes than bipolar women.3Diflorio, A., & Jones, I. (2010). Is sex important? Gender differences in bipolar disorder. International review of psychiatry, 22(5), 437-452. It means they’re more likely to think that they’re right and you’re wrong. They believe they are invincible and perfect. So, any problem arising in the relationship must be your fault.
7. Passive aggression
Though bipolar men tend to be direct, harsh, and intimidating in their aggression, in the depressive phase, some may resort to indirect or passive aggression. Sarcasm, mocking, put-downs, and guilt-tripping are common passive-aggressive ways a bipolar husband may place the blame on you.
Handling a bipolar husband
Do not engage in blame battles with your bipolar husband. Since his emotions are intense, he’s unlikely to argue from a place of logic. It’s best to maintain distance and approach him when he cools down.4Rusner, M., Carlsson, G., Brunt, D., & Nyström, M. (2013). Towards a more liveable life for close relatives of individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder. International journal of mental health nursing, 22(2), 162-169.
Meanwhile, don’t let their episodes cause too much disruption in your own life. When they’re blaming you unjustly, know it’s their condition talking, not them. De-escalate, don’t escalate. When they’ve finally calmed down, encourage them to seek therapy.
